Time: A Parody
by Raen1
Summary: A nice little parody of my classmate's fic. I end up in tortall. nice. so do my classmates, all 22 of them. not so nice. I'm the only one who reads about tortall. BAD. Chapter 2: Welcome the teachers. WORSE.
1. Oh noooo

Chapter 1: Oh noooooooo. Disclaimer: Teachers, classmates, and characters you recognize don't belong to me. Neither does the plot. My classmate granted permission for use. SO THERE! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Raen shook her head in a blurry daze. She looked up from her position on the unusually cold floor. One second, she had been in her room reading, the next... Why was the sky so blue? Wasn't it cloudy that day, like it usually was on a late Wednesday after school? And why the HECK was she feeling so damn cold?  
  
Realization hit her rather suddenly and abruptly.  
  
SHIT! Oh like so not good.  
  
Sitting up, she took brief a look around her. And promptly fell straight back down again, not wanting to acknowledge what she was was actually real.  
  
Oh nononononononononono. I did NOT see what I thought I saw. Not here. Not now. And them?! Waaaaaaaait. Think. Clearly. Mustn't. Panic.  
  
Raen closed her eyes, and thought things through as thoroughly as possible in her rather insane position. Come ON. She was only fourteen.  
  
Fact one: Whole class, on my back. Fact two: Definitely NOT where I'm supposed to be. Fact Three: It's cold. Observation One: Probably NOT on earth anymore. Observation two: Others should be waking up. Observation three: WHY ME?  
  
Raen reopened her eyes, and saw something red in her face. She nearly freaked. Scrambling up into a proper sitting position, she took a good look at the person who was looking at her curiously. The person had cropped red hair, shorter than hers, a bow and a long sword, and was kneeling down and looking at her curiously.  
  
Argharghargh. Red heads? There are NO red heads on my side of earth. At least not short ones. Oh shit.  
  
'Girl...?' Raen didn't move. She froze at the voice. All hopes of the place being earth flew out the back window. Nononononononononono.  
  
On the other side of Raen's brain, namely the sane one: You've read too much Tortall, you idiot. Too much lady knights. Lady Alanna does not exist on earth.  
  
We. On. Earth. In. First. Place?  
  
The red haired person broke the silence with a sentence that most definitely was not what she wanted to hear.  
  
' You.?'  
  
Eep eep eep. Okay. Think Tortall. NOW! Stumbling, Raen racked her brains for her extremely faulty memory. Being a freaky Tortall fan was useful sometimes. Mad, some called her, but she really liked the series. A lot. She practically memorized it upside down, sideways, and all others. Same went for the circle of magic. She slowly responded to his unspoken question, though not answering it.  
  
'This place is where?' Please allow me to get out of this alive...  
  
The lady looked at her for a while, his face slightly puzzled at her extremely bad English, also known as Singlish, before understanding. 'This place? This is Tortall.'  
  
TORTALL? Oh so not good. Lady Alanna. Lady Kel. King Jon. Eep. Oh nononono. Red head? Shit. Raen looked behind her. Besides her friends that were rousing, she saw the gates. The famed gates into the palace.  
  
Gates? Red head? Female? Sword? Hair? Tortall? Oh no.  
  
Suddenly, everything seemed to click in place.  
  
Tortall. With class. In Tamora Pierce world. After Knighting of lady Alanna. Person= Lady Alanna, most likely. Me= Only Tortall fan. Oh nononono.  
  
From behind her, a drowsy Inez shook Raen's shoulder roughly. The girl was looking extremely confused and lost. As she should be.  
  
'Where on earth are we?!'  
  
'Eep. Nez. Tortall, Tamora Pierce, Lady Knight, me talk. Tell others. In trouble right now.'  
  
Raen frantically turned away from the lady, supposedly Alanna, and conversed with her friend in slight panic. Nez nodded, nearly frantic herself. And damn, it was cold. The lady spoke again, much to Raen's distress. She looked amused her predicament.  
  
' Where did you and your friends come from?' Raen panicked again, her brain trying to process the words.  
  
Raen panicked slightly, afraid that she had misinterpreted the lady's question and answer as a complete fool, and replied extremely tentatively. By now most of her friends had recovered and were looking in on her conversation in interest.  
  
'Me? Ah. Far Away.'  
  
The lady cocked an unbelieving eyebrow at her. The bow and sword weren't helping (either. Her original concern had faded away, and disbelief and distrust, even for a tiny compared to her, at least) girl was not spared.  
  
'Far away? You do not seem to come from my time.'  
  
Raen smiled weakly, realizing that jeans and a tee shirt were not exactly the most Tortallish attire to be found around.  
  
'Eh... You do not understand... I... Uh...'  
  
The lady looked at her shrewdly. From behind, one of her friends shouted.  
  
'What the heck is going on?' Turning around sharply, Raen hissed back.  
  
'Not now! I'm in serious trouble here, so shut up!' The lady shot her a sharp look and rattled off a long, quick sentence of English. Raen had trouble keeping up. 'What you speak of is the tounge of man. But until today, I have not heard such... loathsome, disgusting tounge.'  
  
Raen smiled faintly, promptly elbowing Nez and telling she and Diana to shut the others up. Now, Raen had no choice but to speak directly to Lady Alanna. Darn.  
  
'Ahh... Mine is a hard to reach place, and my peoples' tounge is not like that of this place.'  
  
'There are no tortallians's?'  
  
'no.'  
  
'Then how did you find your way here?'  
  
Oh shit. I was hoping that she wouldn't ask that.  
  
'Ah. I got my knowledge of tortall from books.'  
  
Well, not like the internet and other resources that she used were all books, but still...  
  
'Books? There are no tortallians, but there are books of tortall?'  
  
Oh so not good. Gonna have to risk it.  
  
'Lady, you do not understand, and I have no idea how to explain to you.'  
  
'Oh?'  
  
'Lady, I am not gifted in the knowledge of tortall, would you let me off?'  
  
The red haired lady looked at her skeptically, then peered at her half scared, half curious, half infuriated, half lost company of twenty two behind her. Raen crossed her fingers behind her back and prayed.  
  
'You really expect me to let you off?'  
  
Raen nodded, not knowing the what else to do. The red haired lady probably thought her grammer was atrocious, and her knowledge even worse. Chinese was bad enough.  
  
'No. What brings you here to Tortall? Who led you here? You look Yamani. Though you may have knowledge of the fighting arts, one so young as yourself, along with your friends, should not be anywhere near here.'  
  
Raen disliked being called 'one so young as yourself'. Sure, she was young, but she was not stupid. Mental note: Kick lady at next possible opening.  
  
'My knowledge of how my friends and I got to Tortall is not more than yours, maybe less. I was in my home, in a place nowhere near Tortall, if you must know, reading, and before I knew it, I appeared here.'  
  
'And what is your name, young one?'  
  
'It depends.' The lady nearly laughed. Raen scowled at her.  
  
'How can one's name depend?'  
  
'My Chinese name, my Common name, or one of my nicknames? There are many.'  
  
'Your Common name would be nice. You are in this territory, after all.'  
  
'Raen, I suppose, if my word can be counted as true. And if this is truly Tortall, and you are carrying weapons, I suppose that you shall be Lady Alanna of Trebond'  
  
Lady Alanna looked surprised at her knowledge. 'You speak true. Come, rouse your friends. I cannot leave you here alone, even though we are inside Tortallian territory.'  
  
Raen nodded. Quickly, she turned to have a rushed, extremely confusing conversation with her friends. Mei Keen was the first to let out an outburst, as she expected.  
  
'Where the hell are we?' Though harsh, it expressed the question that all the others asked. The looked at her expectantly.  
  
Raen gulped.  
  
'Okay. Guys, I have NO idea how to explain this, but we seemed to have landed in Tortall.'  
  
Nez spoke up. 'Oh, you mean the place you told me about... The one with lady knights and all'  
  
Jacqueline piped up. 'The books you've been trying to get me to read. Is that the place?'  
  
'I know I know I know. That only because none of you here have read about tortall and Lady Alanna.'  
  
Yvonne recognized that name. 'Alanna? That was the Lady knight. '  
  
'Right.'  
  
Twenty two blank faces stared back at her. Raen sighed.  
  
'Never mind. Here's the low-down: We are in Tortall, for some reason I cannot fathom, we landed after the knighting of lady Alanna, we are in a place called Corus, which is meant the capital, and we are being led away, most probably to Jonathon, the King. The people here are human, and so you have no reason to fear, unless one of you go and do something stupid. If you can, help me out, but if I should start to converse with [points to person behind her] Shut the hell up, for my sake.' The others nodded, trying to absorb the facts.  
  
'Questions?'  
  
Sam did.  
  
'How are we going to get out of here?'  
  
Raen shrugged.  
  
'I have no bloody idea.' 


	2. Teachers OH SO BAD

Chapter 2: Welcome the Teachers. Oh dear. Disclaimer: blah. Read the one in the last chapter.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Queenie looked quite hysterical.  
  
'You mean there's no way we can get out of this?'  
  
Raen shrugged.  
  
'Not that I know of. I'm not sure why we are here in the first place. I'll try and grope around though. I gotta find us a way out of this mess. One more thing, if we are being brought to the king, I implore you guys, please, keep swearing, cursing, basically bad words, out of this. I do not wish to get us killed.'  
  
The rest nodded dumbly. Sam Cheok shook her head.  
  
'We're in a mess, yeah?'  
  
'Yep. This most definitely cannot get any worse.'  
  
As if on cue, there was a dull thud from behind. Raen whirled around, then quickly turned pale on the sight that she saw.  
  
'Oh like so not good.' Teachers. Of all the things that could have happened to her, teachers! Why!? Raen was quite sure the world was intent on ruining her life.  
  
'Take that back. It most definitely can get worse.'  
  
Lady Alanna turned around and demanded an explanation. After a rather flustered Raen had got over the basics that her teachers had been pulled in the mess, the Lady promptly went over to the fallen adults and tried to rouse them. The two Sam's, Joey, Eve, and a few others were also there, trying to rouse them. The rest just stood, shocked still. After the teachers had managed to be awoken, Raen faded into the background and let the others tell the tale to the very unbelieving mentors of hers.  
  
Then disaster nearly stroke, when Lady Alanna foolishly tried to converse with them. Raen scrambled forward, but a little too late. 'Do you know Raen?'  
  
Oh shit oh shit oh shit. WHAT did I TELL her about Humans from MY time NOT knowing about Tortall? But did she LISTEN? NOOOOOOOOO! And now, she's got ME into MAJOR, big, not good, TROUBLE. Ack. At LEAST if we had landed in a more FAMILIAR book my friends MIGHT have been able to HELP me in this... Red heads! COMPLETE idiots. Raen hastily went up to cover for the teachers, who were all staring at the Lady in puzzlement and disbelief.  
  
'Lady Alanna, these are my, ah, teachers. Ah, they do not have knowledge of tortall. But they speak common. Do not speak with them! They won't understand you, and I would fall into my doom!'  
  
Lady Alanna laughed at her last comment, but a hiss from her made her realize she was completely serious and thus shut her mouth, much to her relief. Po Linn elbowed her. Painfully.  
  
'Raen, what on EARTH are we going to do?'  
  
'No idea Fo, no idea. Though I wish coach was here. I know of a certain tower where you, Nez and Shu could push her off and get away scott free.'  
  
They were referring to their extremely fat and not nice couch, Rose. Inez sniggered, as did Shu Wen, who was eavesdropping. Raen wasn't thought by her, as she didn't take up Netball, but Rose's bigness was known throughout the school.  
  
'Back to topic, could I trust you guys to keep the teachers occupied. Zao [Ch. teacher] especially. I can't stand her. Ugh. Miss Lim is SO going to behead me, along with all the other teachers, so I'm pleading with you to keep them away from me, in case the king here, Jonathon, should wish to talk to them and they say he's from a book. Don't want to stick around to see his wrath. Could you tell them to let me do the talking, please? I need to sort things out instead of mess things up.' The two nodded.  
  
'Right. Got to go keep Lady Alanna in check before SHE gets ME killed now...' Lady Alanna was questioning, or should I say, being questioned, by the teachers. Raen broke out in cold sweat, but took a deep breath and stepped into the fray. Miss Lim immediately asked the most obvious question.  
  
'Raen, where are we?' Raen winced. She responded in Chinese so as to save herself from Lady Alanna's wrath.  
  
'INSERT LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG STRING OF HAN YING PIN YIN'  
  
Basically, for all those who simply cannot understand Raen's completely messed up chinese skills: Miss Lim, I can only tell you that we are in a book. Why, I do not know. I only want you and the teachers not to talk overly much with these people, or I will have no idea how to talk to their king. Could you please not tell them they are from a book? This way, I may be able to save us. Could you let me talk to their king? Because I know about them and you do not...''  
  
Miss Lim, thankfully, answered favourably, along with the rest of the teachers, allowing her to go ahead and do all the talking. Thanking her profusely, she managed to get Yvonne and the rest to fill them in further, in chinese so as to save their skins, and went back to the Lady. Man, she was getting damn tired to switching between english and chinese. Argh. Sighing, she went over to Lady Alanna.  
  
'Lady Alanna, to where are you going to bring me and my friends?'  
  
'Jonathon, young one, king of tortall.'  
  
Raen disliked the nickname, but squeaked when she heard the answer, though she was not expecting less.  
  
'Jonathon?! Lady Alanna, my teachers do not know about this place, they cannot speak to the king.' The Lady turned sharply around and looked at her.  
  
'Who then?' Raen gulped. This was not going to be nice. Bloodshed would result, most likely. Even more likely, hers. Raen squeaked out the answer.  
  
'Me.' 


End file.
